the corners of my mind

life, as i know it...

2008-04-19T21:43:00.003-05:00

...is wonderful. i have a beautiful, loving wife, not one, but TWO babies on the way, a new house, a career that i honestly enjoy, a wonderful family, great friends, and promises from God.

which all lead me to believe that i'm richly blessed. truly. and that i don't take for granted- i remind myself all the time of how He has blessed us. sometimes when i stop to think about it, i'm honestly blown away by His provision and love for our lives.

two babies! a double portion. a double blessing. double to love. double to care for. double to teach the things of the Lord. double to instill joy in. and yes, double to teach how to wear plaid, argyle, and stripes just right. :)

blessed. that's what i am.

the rain

2007-01-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

The rain spatters down outside my window, bouncing from little pools on the ground. Why does it have to rain? "Perspective-- there is a reason for the rain." Is the rain more an echo of my thoughts rather than my physical state of being?

Decisions. They never stop, they just keep on coming! Why is it that some seem so difficult? Life changing decisions that will turn the course of my life in one way or another. In some ways, I just want to say "alright- last one. After this I'm taking a break from any mental stress." But that's not my portion. Just when I think I've prayed and heard God on one issue, another one arises.

The rain falling seems to echo the issues that have arisen recently. Thoughts capture my mind; trying to sort it all out and impart wisdom where I'm able. Walking out my life in a Godly manner is what I'm called to do, and that I want to impart to others. Leaders are pace-setters-- not following at the back of the crowd, but plowing their way through the brush and muck to get to the other side where truth lies.

I want to be that pace-setter, whether or not the rain keeps coming. I'll keep treading through the muck and mire to get to the other side with an army with me. The decisions we face in this life are worth facing- what Christ did on the cross is reason enough for me to push myself through any challenges life throws at me. Christ is worthy of my life, and for that I'm thankful. I have a Redeemer!!

What the rain doesn't wash away it will only grow stronger.

"Perspective-- there is a reason for the rain."

for this reason

2006-11-21T22:42:00.000-05:00

For This Reason, He has me here, doing this. For This Reason. So what is it? Just when all the questions in my mind are answered, new ones appear. Will they ever be gone? I think not. But I'm learning not to hate the unknown, but to embrace it with a Kingdom perspective. God has everything in control, and in that I know I can rest. Though if I'm being honest, I often wish I could look into the future and see where He'll have me 10-20-30 years from now, and what I need to do to get there. It would make things so much easier as far as my mind's concerned. But that's not His plan. One step at a time, one day at a time. That's the way it was designed.

Still the stressful moments fill many time slots throughout my day. And sometimes I just want a break. That's why I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. Time with the family, playing games, eating turkey, and laughing alot. Doing nothing in particular, but experiencing all the joy the holidays have to offer. May this Thanksgiving remind me of what we truly do have to be thankful for-- the blessings that He has poured out on us. I never want to forget.

My mind and fingers want to go in different direction. My mind would say to blurt out all the random thoughts/questions/insanity that's shuffling through my head right now. My fingers say to go to bed and try to catch up on some of that sleep that I've been deprived of in the last 7 days.

I shall do a little of both. For those of you who want an update on the Montreal trip, I hope to be able to give it to you in the shape of a video this Sunday at church. For those of you who want to know when we can do something, probably after this week things will (might) slow down for a bit. For those of you who are flying up from NC to see us, I can't wait to see you. For those of you who are wondering why I'm still typing, you're wondering is now over. I'm going to bed.

Night.

self sacrifice

2006-09-02T14:26:00.000-05:00

Why is it that we in America are so self serving? We have a culture that's built into us that wants to think solely for ourselves. Not only our culture, but just we as humans in general. I was pondering this when i heard some talk that was going on about someone i work with and their spouse. They were supposed to attend an event, and it would be a blessing to someone else if they went; but after they went, the whole time they didn't enjoy themselves and grumbled and complained. All to often we have the tendency to think of what we want, or what will benefit us, or what makes us happy. We should be thinking about how we can further the Kingdom, what we can do to bless others, and how we can make an impact through self-sacrifice.

A great example of this is my parents. Time and time again, they lay down their desires so they can bless others and their kids. We've reaped the benefits of this over and over again, and it's through this example that I can now teach my children what it means to not be selfish, but to sometimes do things we don't want to do to bless others. I'm still learning, but in time I hope to get closer than i am now.

It's not always easy, but it's through serving or changing our plans to benefit someone else that great blessing will come through our example. And the heart of the issue is our attitudes. Even if we do it, if our heart is not in the right place and we grumble and complain all the way through it, we haven't fulfilled our call to bless others with a cheerful heart.

summers end

2006-09-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

For the last 2 weeks i've been fighting the reality that fall is truly right around the corner. There are many thing I enjoy with the fall season, but the thought of having to give up waterskiing until next summer is hard to accept! I was thinking about the pumpkins, the multi-colored leaves, the crisp air in the morning, the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg. What is it about this season that brings a warm sensation to any room? Is it the fact that the heat's going to be back on, or that we feel a stronger desire to light candles, or that instead of outdoor sports we're now confined to inside games as the season draws to a close?

In any case, fall is a season I enjoy; and although we won't be waterskiing before long- long walks, pumpkins, spices, fall jackets, beautiful foilage and the smells of the season are all things to look forward to.

Wanna go for a walk?

daily life events

2006-07-11T12:43:00.000-05:00

waterskiing. jetskiing. over-extending knees. settlers. that's what life has held for me in the past little bit in my free time. weekends are filled with worship team, sunday morning family breakfast, and any boating time we can get in. i'm finding more and more that the summertime is hard to plan your schedule around- with the weather that comes and go's, flexibility seems to be key!

today is a good friend's birthday. happy birthday, shuster! this weekend we'll be traveling to Rome, NY to celebrate with him-- we'll actually be traveling saturday to his uncles camp in the adirondacks where we'll enjoy skiing, wakeboarding, jetskiing, tubing, canoeing, and any other misc things that could appeal to our sense of adventure.

the saab is down in syracuse for repair. as it turns out both direct ignition modules and the alternator need to be replaced. ooohhhh, the joys of owning pieces of machinery.

that's 'bout all for now...just a quick update since it's been way longer than forever since the last one. oh- and jacqs- might you try to make it up the extra 5 hours next time?!

pruning

2006-06-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

pruning. not a very fun phase, and at the same time something that needs to be done to bring us higher. i'm not actually feeling like i'm in that stage of my life right now, but a good friend is. it's hard to watch this friend go through it, cause all i want to do is yell 'it'll be ok- just keep going'. and yet nothing i seem to say can portray what i'm thinking and trying to say... which is this simple fact:

although pruning is not a fun stage, it's important. and everyone goes through it at different seasons in their life. we're constantly being molded, shaped, and changed- but there are certain season where a real deep pruning takes place. then there are times of joy and feeling like your cup is filled to overflowing. the thing to remember is this: when you're in the pruning stage remember who your God is and what He wants you to look like when you come out of it. a better person because of the fine tuning. He only wants the best for us.

only the best.

so hang in there... and let me know if there's anything i can do. you know i'm always here.

cows and cars and stuff

2006-06-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I thought it was impressive when we stuffed 16 people in a little Nissan Sentra, but I think we've been outdone. The bar has been raised... 2002 Dodge Neon, 7 calves (baby cows!).

Seriously, who does that?! Do you think they wore seatbelts?

life as i know it

2006-06-01T23:24:00.000-05:00

time is flying by. it's hard to believe it's been 30 days since my last real post. where has the time gone?

turns out it actually has been very busy. from making a 6 hour trip to cazenovia for dinner (of 1 hour) to working long days at the office, to street witnessing, to going to higley, to weekly bible study at our house, to planning a church bbq, (most of which my wife has taken care of!) to worship team, to jetskiing-- and add into that daily life....things are crazy.

and that's just the way i like them. usually. :) i love having people over. i love investing into the Kingdom. i love making surprise trips to caz for my mother-in-law's birthday. i love being able to share my faith with other people. what a privilege! i love jetskiing. i love waterskiing. i love anything on the water, really. summer is here and i love the warm weather (providing there's still a/c around when you want it...) because it means that people are out and about; doing the crazy things that summer brings.

and that's what i'm up to. all the crazy summer things. oh. and while we're on that subject i can't forget to mention that we had an absolutely awesome weekend with some of my favorite people last weekend. jeff, nick, rick, liz, kate and myself all rendevouzed in syracuse for a blast of a time- filled with games, laughter, water sports, shopping, and sunburns. the fact that there are people that love God, who are truly living for the Kingdom in every way, and we get to partner with them--- and even when they go away there's still contact that's kept and fellowship that's enjoyed. that's friendship, my friends. :)

so that's my update. nothing serious to say, nothing profound to write, just an update on me.

here at last

2006-05-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

so i know what you're all thinking- "i've been logging on faithfully every day for the past 27 days and i haven't seen anything new. same old bird story." :) well my dear friends... more is coming soon. life has been very crazy.....

the bird

2006-05-02T12:56:00.000-05:00

i looked out one of our big windows at work today, and noticed a small bird...dead on the ground. i was immediately saddened, not even knowing completely why. things like this happen all the time- and yet it never hits me like this. i began thinking what that bird would be doing right then had it still been alive- probably swooping in and out of air pockets, letting it's feathers take it soaring up in the wind. maybe it would have found a puddle of water somewhere and would be taking a bath. but one fell swoop into a huge pane of glass ended its life.

but God sees that bird. how much more you and i-- his children?! just as a father cares for his kids, God looks at us with compassion. He wants only the best for us- not harm. He doesn't want us to crash into the glass, He wants to see us soar on the wind; bathe in a puddle.

then it hit me. the reason i was so saddened by this is because i started thinking about how many people that i know that seemed to have crashed into the glass. maybe they didn't know Christ. maybe they knew Him but weren't following Him whole-heartedly. maybe they didn't have a hunger to see His kingdom come.

but we're here on this earth for a reason- let's not mess that up by losing our focus and crash into the glass. all too often it would be just that easy.

to see your kingdom come, Lord. to see your kingdom come.

knowing and knowing

2006-04-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

when you go to a persons house for the first time, no matter how hospitable they are or how outgoing you are- you usually don't feel completely at home yet. you don't know your way around like you would your own house, and because of all the different variables you're probably a little withdrawn, careful or held back. you don't know them like you might a good friend.

in the same light, if you know God, you can enter His presence boldly. not hesitant, not withdrawn, not carefully plodding along. if you truly know God you can come bodly before Him. and if not, then you can only plod along- because without the knowledge of who He truly is you are lukewarm. and the lukewarm will be spewed out of His mouth.

i don't want that to be me... and i don't want that to be you. so decide now that you're going to know God- and press in until you do.

the little boy

2006-04-10T23:12:00.000-05:00

today at work a mother walked in with her child in tow. immediately the first thing i heard out of her mouth was, "will you quit it? you're really driving me crazy today." she continued to yell at him and of course, the kid's response was not nice either. he was only about 10 years old.

as i thought about this, i knew that God's plan for life here on earth doesn't look like that. parents blame their kids, but it's really a poor job on the parents part and that's why the boy was having an attitude with such disrespect. it's a parents responsibility to discipline their children as they should, to train them in the things of the Lord, and keep them in check with their attitude. even a 1yr old knows what it is to be selfish- but it's by discipline that that spirit is broken and good fruit abounds.

i'm broken for that little boy because he has had a bad image to mirror- his mother is by no means the role model that he should be following after. so i continue to pray for this generation- that the Lord would really do a work and we would see many turn to the ways of the Lord.

grace

2006-04-07T12:54:00.000-05:00

i was watching jocelyn and watching how she could be so carefree. so free from burdens, hurts, pains, weights of the world, stress. sometimes i wish i could go back and be like that again- carefree, burden-less. but it's then that i again realize that i am a child of God, and no matter what challenges i face in a day, what hurts are incurred, what weights are set on my shoulders......

i am more than a sparrow in God's eyes. and because of that I know i can continue through His grace. to see Your kingdom come, Lord.

a new revelation

2006-03-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

i was sitting in the preparation meetings for presbytery, and was struck with a thought. as i was looking at the timeline of the Christian church, there was a high at the start- then a constant downward slope to the Dark Ages. that stagnant line continued on for a while- many, many, many years. but then there was one man who decided to change his life, God did a work in his heart, and up goes the slope. and to today, it's still climbing.

but the only reason it's still climbing is because there are people who care- people who have a desire to see the kingdom of God come. God has done a work in their heart, and they are obidient to His calling.

as i was thinking about what this means for our church, i was challenged. i saw that this summer we have alot of our key people in the college ministry graduating, and i found myself wondering what that means for the ministry. i know that it will keep going, and there will still be fruit. but to this point we have never seen fruit like we're seeing now in the campuses around the area. we have students who have a hunger for the Lord, and it's by this hunger and joining with the friends around them that relationships are built, bonds are formed, and there is accountability. these relationships that are forged are strongholds against the fortresses of darkness; because "where two or more are gathered...". there is someone there at your side when you get weary to say, "you know what, you can do this. you can press on. i'm here to support you, and that means that we're in this till the end."

so i'm challenged to keep the relationships that have been formed even after they leave. i've seen to many people that have great relationships leave after college and loose touch. but it's by these relationships that the we have a launching pad for the Kingdom of God.

and i'll also pray that God raises up others in their place with just as much passion as they had.

changes and challenges

2006-03-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

there are so many things that happen in a day it seems, that there's no way to even keep up. life is moving all around me, and yet i seem to have the same routine; with a few bumps.

the college students are on break for week. i realize whenever they leave for break how much we'll miss them when they're done with school and move back home or to a new job. i pray that some will find jobs around here- what a blessing it's been to have such great men and women of God in the church and on the campuses. i truly believe that there's a great campus move happening, and the people that are leading the way are the dedicated leaders that we have. this really is the best group of spirit-filled students that we've ever had. we'll miss them when they leave.

every year when my birthday arrives i have a heart searching that takes place. i don't want to stay stagnant; i want to be effective for the kingdom. i want to be a leader- an example- a disciple. i've noticed how the Lord has shaped me in this past year- what new things He's done in my life, and the kind of changes that have taken place. i'm excited to see some things; and challenged by others.

but it's only by this challenge that i will succeed.

and so i press on.

just a quick update

2006-03-05T23:28:00.000-05:00

so just a quick update on our lives....

we're back from nyc. michael buble' was absolutely incredible; the best live artist we've seen yet. totally entertaining, completely talented, and the ability to sing..........wow is all that describes it.

we had great weather and were totally blessed with no rain, snow, hail or sleet for the entire trip. clear bright blue skies, with a decent amount of wind. you wouldn't want to have to walk to far though since the wind did a number on you after a while.

the week continues tomorrow with the normal happenings of a week....with one exception. THERE ARE TWO HOURS OF 24 TOMORROW NIGHT!! yes folks; that's a big one. two full hours! it's going to be crazy in jack bauer land......

counting my blessings

2006-03-01T13:55:00.000-05:00

there's been alot stewing the past few days in my pea brain. Alot to think about, alot to ponder, alot to pray about.

one thing i'm thankful for however, is faithful friends who stand by you through everything. there's a bond that's created; a love that's formed, a relationship that's established on a firm foundation, and an emotional tie that's not easily broken. there truly is something special about a few select people. and i don't take it for granted. it's a true blessing to have select individuals placed in your life for a purpose-- to fulfill the purposes of God in our lives. to stand with one another in unity, see the devil overthrown, and let God have His way. It truly is a blessing.

it's off to NYC this weekend- michael buble' in radio city music hall @ rockefeller center. should be a grand ol' time. my in-laws are going also, so we will have tons of fun together. and of course, driving the new car down is fun all on it's own. :)

going onward and upward

2006-02-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

life has been crazy. so much to do, so little time. decisions to be made, and soon at that.

growing and going forward is exciting and fun, and scary at the same time. leaving my comfort zone and expanding my horizons is a chore; maturing; getting a bigger vision; a better prospective- and it is rewarding.

so back to the drawing board.

the stressful part of it all...

2006-01-28T22:59:00.000-05:00

clarkson, st. lawrence.

hockey.

1st night- 3-2 clarkson.

2nd night- 5-4 slu.

and the bummer- with 35 seconds left in the game clarkson almost tied it up. so very close.... we would have won two nights in a row.

and for all of you slu fans- i'm sorry you havn't come to the realization that clarkson is the better team to root for. :)

role models

2006-01-22T22:19:00.000-05:00

i love picking out role models and learning all you can from them. there are different role models- life structure, family building, church life, work ethic, etc.... but there are always those certain ones that mean so much to me. people who have had a huge impact on my life whether they know it or not. an influence that i'll be able to pass on to my kids and hopefully be a role model for others someday.

so thanks to all who have impacted my life.

2006-01-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

twas' early in the morning. all was dark; nothing stirred in the house but a lark.... or something like that. i was awakened with a 'crack'! i immediately felt pain. suddenly from the other side of the bed i heard a wimpering "oooowwwwww"....

apparently i had flipped over suddenly in my sleep and butted heads with liz. i asked her if she was ok, then groaned a little bit. liz said she thought she was going to have to wear a helmet to bed. after a couple minutes she asked if i was ok..... my response was "i'm training to be a cage fighter."

and the best part?! we didn't remember my response until late tonight; then there was a lot of laughing.

in my head

2006-01-12T13:19:00.000-05:00

i try not to live in the past, but to look forward to the future. i find myself thinking about summer- the fun it entails- the activities that we do. it always leads me right back to where i didn't want to go- the fact that chris will not be there with us.

for the longest time i couldn't delete his entry from my cell's phone book. one day months after, i accepted the reality that he wasn't coming back, and i would never receive a call from that number again. i pushed the hardest button i felt i had ever pushed; delete. i wept, overcome with sadness.

why can't it just be the way it was?

the summer visits to p&c- we would pick out the biggest shrimp, thickest steaks, the freshest vegetables. the bbq would ignite, the flames roared. the smell was intoxicating to the soul.

after september, the bbq was only lit up once and the memories that flooded back overtook me. the very week it all happened a song was released on the radio- 'wake me up when september ends'. it seemed to say exactely what we were all feeling- sorrow, not wanting to accept the situation, and just wishing we were in a different time.

right now as it all flooded back to me, this song came on the radio. i thought about the jetskiing, bbq's, cars, smallville. tonight that show continues but he won't be here to watch it with me as we always did. it was the one night a week i knew i'd always see him- without fail.

the special memories won't be forgotten, but the hurt and pain seems to always come back. i wish things could be normal again--

but i won't live in the past, i'll look forward to the future with great anticipation of what the Lord can and will do. without fail.

for randomness' sake

2006-01-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

random facts you may or may not have heard:

all polar bears are left handed
worms don't have ears
turtles can breath through their butts
ducks cannot walk without bobbing their necks
only female ducks quack (male's make raspy noises)

totally randomness. :)

the meaning-filled lunchbox

2006-01-06T01:03:00.000-05:00

here's the way it went down-

for a while now liz and i have decided that we're trying to pack a lunch for work as often as possible. we're trying to save money and decided that it was a good way to start. after all, it does add up... so four days a week we pack a lunch and on friday my office buys it for everyone in the building. liz eats out.

so after a couple months of packing a lunch, liz called me up a couple days ago and asked if i wanted her to pick up a lunchbox for me (and one for her) at walmart. my thoughts immediately went to me- walking into work with a plastic lunchbox, and leaving with it later that day so that my wife could again fill it for me to continue the process the next day. i hate the thought of carrying a lunchbox, and couldn't get past the image that i thought it displayed.

liz explained that she could only imagine me leaving every morning- struggling to carry all that my lunch contained in different bags, my camera for work, my keys, coffee mug, and any other various items needed for that particular day. since she leaves earlier in the morning than do i for her job, this is a task she has not watched me go through; and since you have to lock the door with two hands it gets even more complicated. she said she could only imagine though, and she was trying to be thoughtful.

but my waring thought of the typical man carrying his lunchbox still struck me as something i didn't want to do. i then had an attitude check- i realized that i was being prideful and arrogant and needed to deal with it and get over it. it was also in that moment that i decided the best way to do that was to get a lunchbox and use it every day. but not just any lunchbox- a powerpuff girls pink lunchbox. and just for grins, make it the metal kind!

talk about humiliating- this should do the trick.

liz asked what was my motives for those thoughts and i explained that i decided that i was prideful and didn't want to live with the lunchbox mentality- so i was doing the very thing and worse that i never wanted to do.

after a heart check, we decided that i didn't need to go to such extremes as powerpuff girls, and that it wasn't just a pride issue- i just liked to conduct myself professionally in my workplace.

and so ends the story of the meaning-filled lunchbox- my pride in check, my lunch still in my hands....or maybe a brown paper bag.

christmas

2005-12-24T02:10:00.000-05:00

i love the fact that we still say merry christmas. i love the fact that there is a reason that we have this holiday. i love the fact that we don't, and won't take 'christ' out of 'christmas'. happy holidays just doesn't seem to cut it anymore now that people have made it an issue. before it meant thanksgiving, christmas and new years- now it means that you're trying to be politically correct. the fact that this is an issue is a sad thought.

so merry christmas to all- have a wonderful holiday celebration.

pho-toes

2005-12-18T23:38:00.000-05:00

check out our new photos! (link on right)

winding down...

2005-12-17T01:08:00.000-05:00

the semester is winding down and the students are going home for break. it's a sad time of year in that respect. it's a happy time of year though in another- the holidays bring a sense of excitement to your spirit, the birth of Christ, the rememberance and celebration of it all.

we've been having late 'clarkson' fun nights- computer gaming, phase 10, bowling, movie, sergis; and tomorrow heading to ottawa. it will be sad when they're gone, and we look forward to them coming back.

there is a cedar tree out front of our house next to the porch which has been covered in ice and snow to the point it has completely bent over to touch the ground. that doesn't sound like such a big deal until you consider the fact that instead of walking out your front door, down the front steps, across the walk and to the car on the driveway- you now have to go through the basement to the driveway. not as convenient...but we're working on that. i think that poor cedar might be leaving us for good soon.

2005-12-06T23:48:00.000-05:00

liz: i think i'm going to try to make it over to walmart tomorrow and look for a shoe rug.

kevin: while you're there can you also look for a refrigerator stand?

liz: a refrigerator stand? do you mean microwave stand?!

kevin: refrigerator stand- microwave stand- i'm flexible!!

Pooh

2005-12-03T08:51:00.000-05:00

In the corner of our waiting room there is a 13" TV/VCR combo from way back in the day. It's the kind that requires you to have a totally separate rewinding gadget. Yesterday afternoon, I sat in my usual spot for when my patient's fail to show for their appointments; a burgundy colored desk chair with wheels that probably came in a package with the above mentioned electronics. I peered over the counter and out the window that connects the main office to the waiting room. Winnie-the-Pooh and his friends were doing whatever it is that they do on the screen of the 13" TV/VCR combo unit, and I had a few fleeting thoughts...

Winnie-the-Pooh. That would make him a Pooh.
His first name is Winnie. Why don't we call him Winnie?
I think I'd rather be called Winnie than Pooh.
What is a Pooh?
He's a bear so it's not like Pooh is a descriptive word for what sort of being he is.
Maybe it's his religion or his social class.

...and that was about the point when I nearly volunteered to drive myself to the psych ward down the street.

2005-11-30T07:29:00.000-05:00

today would have been his 24th birthday. he always thought he was so much older than the rest of us- even if we were the same age or a year or two younger. We were 'kids' compared to him.

one thing i remember about him that goes back to when i first got to know him is he loved superman. he thought that he was superman. the rest of us would just stand there and laugh with him about it...knowing fully that he wasn't. but in a few ways, he was...

whenever we were out doing something he would stand behind us all to make sure we got wherever we were going ok. he would lead the way when necessary. he once caught a girl right before she would have fallen over a waterfall; without a thought about himself. he would laugh when we did something stupid, in fact, he would collapse. he told us it was medical, but that being so very hard to believe we would laugh at him until he regained control of his body. whenever we saw a movie he would want to be whatever the main character was. "i always wanted to be a treasure hunter!!" "I wanna be a jedi!!" "I wanna be batman- swoop over all of Potsdam!!"

he was a good listener. he would sit and talk with whomever, about whatever for as long as it took. many a night we would stay up late and talk about our life plans, goals and dreams- where we would be in ten years. we'd talk about cars. we'd talk about smallville. we'd talk about investing. we had more in common than either one of us would ever admit, and we had our differences.

last year we took a ski trip to vermont the day after christmas. when i started talking about the trip this year, a fleeting thought skipped across the forefront of my mind- i wanted to ask him what he thought about this particular date, which slopes we should hit, what car we should drive down. but he won't be with us in VT this year; and he will be missed. very missed.

there are more memories than i can write, more sayings that i can capture, and more of an influence than i can explain. but something that always stood out- he loved God, and would tell everyone that he did. he was a man of God- a prayer warrior- our brother. he would stand up and make the hard call when needed. he had a vision for missions, for the peope around him, and for any and all lost souls.

he is missed terribly. i am sobered by the thought of his passing everytime it's recalled. i'm humbled to think that there's a torch to be carried- a race to be run. we won't forget that, Chris. we love you as a brother, admire you as a leader, and treasure you as a friend. today would have been your birthday, and that makes it a hard day. we would have been at a party with you tonight.

but we will not mourne in your death- we will rejoice in your life. we love you always and forever.

"sown in weakness; raised in strength."

my randomness

2005-11-27T15:17:00.000-05:00

-why does eating make your nose run?

-why do your eyes hurt if you look at your computer screen for too long?

-why does... "a leaf falls, but never hits the ground" ?

-why does a seagull explode when you feed it alka-seltzer, but it makes a person feel better?

-why does a person that specializes in an area of work never have that done in their own home?

-why is turkey a classic thanksgiving dinner and not grouse or pheasant?

2005-11-13T03:32:00.000-05:00

I laid there, my heart heavy as I listened to the sniffles coming from the other side of the bed. My fingers through his hair, a soft pat on the back, a lingering embrace to bring comfort - along with hopes of absorbing his pain and sadness.

The sniffles quieted, his breathing steadied, and I laid there desperately crying out to God for him, for me, for them, for us.

It has not been easy. The images of Chris in my mind sometimes fade, and so I look at pictures, I reminisce, I think of things he would say and try to remember his voice. The memories are long lasting, even if the pictures in my mind some days grow dim. I think of him often, and miss him.

My heart hurts. I still feel the sting. But, I know victory. I know hope. I know truth. I know Jesus.

missing.

2005-11-13T01:08:00.000-05:00

more times than i can count in a day, something happens to make me think of him. a song comes on the radio. i eat his favorite food. i see his dream car. i see his name, picture, and phone # in my cell. (can't get myself to delete it) i want him back. i want him to walk through the door to my apt and say "what's up kids!" but i know that's not going to happen.

but i find myself wishing. wishing that all the memory building wasn't over. wishing that all the memories that have been built could be laughed over with him.

what happened was wrong. wrong in so many ways. but i loved him, cared about him, and tears still stream through my eyes more than i can count in a week because of it. i thought there would be healing. i thought there would eventually be a point where i wouldn't have to cry anymore and could just laugh about the good ol' times. but if that time is eventually going to come, it definately hasn't arrived yet.

will it ever? or will it be like this always?

tears stream down my face as i read over this before clicking 'post'- and wishing that in the single click of a key he could be right here next to me. right here.

for the love...

2005-11-12T00:19:00.000-05:00

things i love: (in no particular order)

faithful friends. crisp fall air. my wife. coyote quesadillas. hockey. smallville. poker. leather furniture. old pictures. electronics. family history. 24. grapes. my nephew and neice. blessing people. accountability. water. porches'. g-mail. candles. the invention of the shower. green. good music. new believers. reconciliation. steak. the lord. who am i.

the relics of my day

2005-11-09T23:28:00.000-05:00

a million rushing thoughts. thoughts about chris. thoughts about life. thoughts about my time. thoughts about my home. thoughts about my responsibilities as a husband. thoughts about...

i need peace. life is rushing so fast all around me, and sometimes i just need to be. and at the same point i find it hard because i feel so many areas of life pulling at me and my time. so where do i go from here?

i find peace in the father. in knowing that he loves me, is watching over me, is providing for me, and guarding my every step. in knowing that there is an eternal destiny that has been placed over my life that i am going to fulfill. i will accomplish what has begun in me, and i will influence many people. i am that determined. i am that determined to not let the devil have his way with me, my life, my family, my friends, and my destiny. i am that determined because i know that there is a call to answer, a race to be run, a torch to be carried, an everlasting plan that is not fulfilled.....and i will do my part.

poker

2005-11-06T00:32:00.000-05:00

you know what i hate- when you play poker all through the game with reason, then when it starts to get late your brain starts to play tricks on you. you're down to the last three, then you decide that you should go all in on big slick. before you know it you're pretty much out because someone met you with a 5-7 suited- and got a flush. then you go all in again with your few remaining chips, and they beat you with trips....you had a really good two pair. (both the 'all-ins' were even before a flop)

oh well- that's what poker's about i suppose. but i hate not reasoning- it takes away from my game!! all that work all night for an all in stupid hand- then another. stupid thoughts.

hurts

2005-11-04T14:31:00.000-05:00

last night at work a lady came through the door and i proceeded to walk over to ask her if she needed help. before one word was uttered however, i knew she was going to have an attitude about her. and she did. a few minutes into our conversation i could already tell that she had been hurt in the past- by what i didn't know- but she had put a wall up to any male around her. (makes talking to her a whole lot harder!) i was never right, and she was never wrong. at least that's the way she viewed it; regardless of whether or not i actually got paid to do this for a living. the one thing that kept going through my mind as i was talking to her though was i was wishing that for just one second i could put her back to before when she was hurt- so she could see what it's like to live without that pain; without useless weight holding her down. nothing i said in the hour and a half that she was with me changed her countenance, and my actions at work are limited in conversation with her.

she called back this morning and for a second it sounded as though she was normal- then her guard went right back up. i only hope that she might see something in me that would bring healing.

a friend told me this morning that when i call and leave a message, that friend does indeed call me back. (after i said on the voicemail that it was pointless to leave a message as i knew i'd have to make the next phone call if i ever wanted to get in touch) when was never specified- it could be months down the road but i did get a call back. i said that next time i leave a message i'll be a little more specific- some time in the next decade would be helpful!! random.

2005-11-03T20:55:00.000-05:00

the new beast! didn't catch that daylight picture, but you can see the color here... totally unique. totally a box. our little toaster.

2005-11-02T23:11:00.000-05:00

this one too. totally public :)

2005-11-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

yes, these are indeed out for the public to view. we still love you.

blessings

2005-11-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

we got our new car today- tomorrow in the sunlight i'll try to take a couple pics to post. :) ok, so maybe you're not as excited as we are, but it's still fun. it's a blessing to have a car that's going to fulfill some of our needs right now- good gas mileage for liz, safety, and of course...hot looks. goes right along with her.

we were on our way to purchase a baby grand piano tonight and then we found out the lady had sold it right out from under us. bummer. oh well- i'm trusting that maybe there was something wrong with it or we just weren't supposed to buy it right now for some other strange reason. but it's still a bummer. it's hard to think of how she could do that- when she had guaranteed us that we would have the first show of it, then BAM- gone. the first baby grand that we can afford too!

we had worship practice tonight and i was reminded of how much i appreciate our church- the leadership qualities that alot of people display, the transparent worship (and usually also worship that won't kill a musicians ear!) and the bonds of friends that are established. we are truly blessed. that's one of the biggest things i would miss if we ever moved away- the church and my family. i could find a new job, a new house, or anything else- it would be those two.

2005-11-01T00:30:00.000-05:00

another beautiful crisp fall day. is it weird that when i say crisp my mind automatically wanders to granny smith apples? kind of like when i say thirty, my mind wanders to max. :) hehe

so you're really feeling good about yourself, then suddenly bam- you pay the bills for the month. the money you had in the checking account suddenly vanishes in a few key strokes and you start saving all over again. it reminds me that this world is just temporary though, and what really matters can't be taken away in a single keystroke. eternal. eternal forgiveness. eternal life. eternal destiny..... i love being a child of God.

it's late and i'm tired. night'.

2005-10-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

a wedding reception today in our favor. tux, wedding dress.... there's a possibility that it might have been a little weird walking into the basement in the church all dressed up like we were at a wedding....but that's just a small possibility. it was a blast though, and soon after we walked in the weirdness wore off. well, not really..........but it was fun. what a blessing our family and friends are.

i'd like to make you aware that the only 4 nice days in a little over 3 weeks have been the day before our wedding and our wedding day; and the day before our 2nd reception and our 2nd reception. other than those days it's been raining. apparently there has been an amazing high rate of depression in the north country in the past month- doctors said the rate of prescriptions they've wrote out for medication such as prosac is shocking. it's amazing what clouds and rain will do to a body. what a blessing that we know the Lord.

a t-shirt of a really cool friend of mine says, "your retarded". the funniest part about the t-shirt however, is that another friend didn't get what was wrong with it. we laughed at him pretty hard. (identitys of the partys involved have been concealed for privacy reasons) Nate.

2005-10-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

today was a hard day. the afternoon at work didn't go well at all, and alot happened in one afternoon that i wouldn't wish to take even in a full week. i was looking over old things just now and came across this quote that i posted a while ago:

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." --Charles Schultz

a smile came to my face and i realized that life wasn't so bad after all... i just need to remember the important things sometimes. and alot of what was happening wasn't the important stuff; it was the mish-mosh that happens every day. it's just that it seemed to happen all at once... then my wife brought me back to reality.

i thank God everyday for the people in my life that are there as pillars- as constants in my life that i can count on when i need a wake up call- or even just support.

and i'll be there for you tomorrow.

2005-10-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

my mind wanders; my heart pounds. i think back to 6 days ago when my whole life changed. as she walked into the room, my eyes welled up with tears and my vision blurred. i knew my life was going to change... and i was excited.

6 days later, my eyes still well up with tears, my excitement still strong. married life is different- alot of changes- but everything that i expected and more. i married a strong woman of God, the woman i love. the house a mess from moving, wedding gifts strewn abroad, everything that we need missing (not even knowing where to start to look!);

"i see her from across the room- she turns her head to look at me. i get that same boyish heart flutter every time-- she flips her hair around and smiles back. without any words i know what she's thinking, and she me. i never want to lose this- the heart flutter, the sheepish grin. once the 'newlywed syndrom' wears off, i still want the excitement that it brings."

you're the best

a new life. a new family. a new home. a lapful of new responsibilities. a new set of challenges.

the same Lord. the same family. the same group of constant friends. the same dreams.

when things change, i need some constants. change is good, but constants help keep me grounded.

by the way- my new nephew-

Aidan Truth
7lbs and cute

..................with a full head of dark hair